25 Questions to Ask Before Marriage: A Christian Guide for Serious Couples

A couple once told me, with some pride, that they had worked through a list of two hundred questions before getting engaged. They had found it online. It had taken them three evenings.

I asked them one question in return: “Which answer surprised you most?”

Neither of them could remember one.

That is the problem with many lists of “questions to ask before marriage”. They are long enough to feel thorough but shallow enough to answer without anything meaningful happening. You work through them, agree that you both like dogs and hope to have two children, and come away feeling prepared. In reality, you may only have confirmed what you already knew.

The questions below are different. I have chosen subjects that couples often skip—not because they are obscure, but because they can be uncomfortable. Twenty-five is enough. If you answer them honestly over several weeks rather than three evenings, you may discover things that would otherwise remain hidden until marriage makes them harder to address gently.

Before you begin

Take one or two questions at a time. Answer separately first, in writing if that helps, and then compare. Listen before correcting or defending. When an answer surprises you, stop. That is the conversation you came for.

Neither person is required to disclose graphic details of trauma, abuse or sexual history. Some experiences are better discussed privately with a suitably trained professional. Agree that either person may pause a conversation without punishment.

These questions are designed for relationships in which both people can speak freely. If you are afraid of your partner, punished for disagreeing, pressured sexually, monitored, threatened or controlled, do not use this list as a joint exercise. Seek confidential individual help from a qualified domestic-abuse service or professional. Couples counselling may be unsafe where abuse or coercive control is present.

Money

1. What do you actually earn, owe and own?

Say the numbers. Discuss income, savings, significant possessions and every debt—including debts to relatives or friends. “I’m doing fine” and “I have a little debt” are not enough information on which to build a shared financial life.

The aim is not to inspect or control each other. It is to make sure that neither person enters marriage on the basis of a financial picture that is incomplete or misleading.

2. What did money mean in the home where you grew up?

Did money represent security, fear, control, generosity, status, secrecy or shame? You are not marrying only a bank balance. You are also marrying someone whose financial instincts were formed long before you met.

Someone raised in scarcity and someone raised in comfort can love each other deeply while interpreting the same purchase very differently. Understanding the history behind those reactions can prevent each person from assigning the wrong motive to the other.

3. How will we manage money, and what financial privacy will each person have?

Will you use joint accounts, separate accounts or a combination? Who will pay the bills and monitor the budget? What purchases should be discussed beforehand? Will each person have an agreed amount they can spend without consultation?

Privacy is not the same as secrecy. A healthy arrangement may allow each spouse some personal freedom, but it should not conceal debt, gambling, compulsive spending or decisions that affect the household.

4. How will we decide what to give?

Discuss giving to church, relatives and people in need. If you tithe, how do you understand that practice? Will financial support for parents be part of your budget?

Paul wrote, “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7, ESV). In context, he was writing about a collection for believers in need, not setting out a household-budget rule. Yet the verse raises a useful question: can you make decisions about generosity together without one person being pressured by the other?

Family

5. What will “leaving” our families mean in practice?

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (ESV). Marriage forms a new primary household and loyalty.

What will that mean for holidays, regular phone calls, private information and major decisions? Whom will you call first with important news? If a parent disagrees with a decision the two of you have made, who has the final responsibility for your household?

Leaving does not mean abandoning or dishonouring parents. It means that your marriage cannot be governed by either family of origin.

6. What concerns do we have about each other’s family?

Perhaps it is the way a parent speaks to a spouse, the way money is handled or the relative who repeatedly needs rescue. Name concerns carefully and specifically. Avoid attacking an entire family or demanding that your partner defend them.

You may not be able to resolve every family difficulty before the wedding. You should, however, be able to discuss what you see and agree on appropriate boundaries.

7. What would we do if a parent needed care or money?

Would you send regular financial support? Could a parent live with you? How would you balance care for parents with the needs of your spouse and children? Do your two families have different cultural or financial expectations?

You do not need to predict every future circumstance. You do need to understand the values and obligations each person already carries.

Communication and conflict

8. What do you do when you are hurt?

Do you become quiet, raise your voice, leave the room, seek reassurance or pretend nothing happened? How long do you usually need before you can talk constructively?

Some responses are different without being wrong. However, intimidation, insults, threats, punishment, destruction of property, blocking someone from leaving and prolonged silence used as control are not merely “communication styles”. They require serious attention.

9. Think about our last significant argument. Is it resolved?

How did it begin? What was each person really reacting to? How did it end? Was there understanding, responsibility and repair, or did the argument simply stop?

If one of you is still carrying hurt from it, resist the urge to move quickly to the next question. That unfinished conversation is the work in front of you.

10. What do you do when you realise you are wrong?

Can you name what you did without adding excuses? Can you apologise without demanding immediate forgiveness? Do you try to make amends? Can you receive correction without attacking, withdrawing or reversing the blame?

Also ask what helps your partner recognise that an apology is sincere. A vague “sorry” may mean something different to each of you.

11. Is there anything important you are afraid to tell me?

Ask gently and allow time. The answer may be no. It may involve debt, faith, health, a past relationship, an ongoing habit or uncertainty about the future.

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbour, for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25, ESV). Paul was describing truthfulness within the Christian community, not prescribing forced disclosure between engaged couples. Honesty matters, but it must not become interrogation. If disclosure could place someone at risk, seek confidential professional advice first.

Sex and intimacy

12. What do we each expect from sexual intimacy, and where did those expectations come from?

Expectations may have been shaped by films, pornography, friends, previous experiences, silence at home or messages received in church. Discuss affection, frequency, initiation, embarrassment, health, privacy and what helps each person feel emotionally safe.

Do not assume that marriage will automatically correct misinformation, shame or harmful habits. Some concerns deserve patient support from a qualified therapist, doctor or pastoral counsellor.

13. Is there something from the past or present that could significantly affect our marriage?

The relevant issue might be trauma, abuse, sexual behaviour, addiction, health, a previous relationship or an ongoing struggle. Your future spouse needs an honest understanding of matters that materially affect the marriage. That does not entitle either person to demand graphic details or use someone’s history against them.

If the subject is painful or complicated, receive individual guidance first about what needs to be shared, when and in what setting. The goal is truthful and informed commitment—not forced exposure.

14. How will we respond when one person wants sexual intimacy and the other does not?

Differences in desire are normal and may change with stress, health, pregnancy, medication, grief and the seasons of life. How will you respond without sulking, pressuring, threatening, manipulating or treating a refusal as personal rejection?

Marriage is not permanent sexual consent. Both spouses should be able to say yes or no freely. Talk about how you will show affection, remain connected and seek help if a pattern becomes painful or persistent.

Children and parenting

15. Do we want children—and what if life unfolds differently?

Discuss whether you hope to have children, how many and when. Then go further. How might you respond to difficulty conceiving, pregnancy loss, infertility or an unexpected pregnancy? What are your convictions and limits regarding fertility treatment, fostering or adoption? Could you imagine a meaningful marriage without children?

You do not need a fixed answer to every possibility. You do need to know whether you can face grief, uncertainty and difficult decisions as partners rather than making assumptions for each other.

16. How were you disciplined as a child, and what would you repeat or change?

What happened when you disobeyed? What felt fair, frightening, loving or humiliating? What do you now believe about discipline, boundaries and physical punishment? How would you respond if your child’s temperament or needs differed greatly from your own?

People often repeat what they experienced or react strongly against it. Talking now can help you choose a thoughtful approach instead of discovering your disagreement during a crisis.

17. How would we care for a child with a disability or significant additional needs?

Do not frame disability as a tragedy or as “the worst thing” that could happen. Instead, discuss the realities of care. How would you share responsibilities, advocate for the child, protect the marriage from isolation, seek support and respond to financial or vocational changes?

The question is not whether you can predict your emotions. It is whether both of you understand that children are not promised to fit a preferred plan and whether you are prepared to honour their dignity together.

Faith

18. What might our shared spiritual life actually look like?

How do you each pray and read Scripture now? Would praying together feel natural, awkward or unsafe? Who is expected to lead, and why? How will you avoid turning spiritual practices into a performance or a measure of who is the better Christian?

A couple’s spiritual life need not look identical to someone else’s. Begin with honest, sustainable practices rather than promises you cannot maintain.

19. How would we respond if one of us experienced serious doubt or a change in belief?

Would the doubting person be free to speak honestly? Would the other respond with patience, fear, argument, prayer or pressure? What would happen regarding church attendance, friendships and the spiritual upbringing of children?

You cannot plan someone else’s future faith. You can decide whether questions will be met with honesty and compassion rather than shame.

20. Where will we worship, and what if we disagree?

If you come from different churches or traditions, discuss more than labels. Consider baptism, communion, spiritual gifts, church authority, women in leadership, giving, membership and the place of church in weekly life. Which differences can you respect, and which would prevent you from building the spiritual home you each believe is faithful?

Do not assume that affection will make a major theological disagreement disappear after marriage.

Roles and decisions

21. What do we believe about leadership and submission in marriage?

Set aside slogans. Describe what your beliefs would mean on an ordinary day: handling money, choosing a church, accepting work, caring for children and making decisions.

Ephesians 5 includes the call to submit “to one another out of reverence for Christ” (verse 21, ESV) and goes on to address wives and husbands. Christians interpret aspects of this passage differently. Whatever position you hold, no faithful interpretation permits control, fear, humiliation, sexual coercion, financial abuse or violence. Christlike authority cannot be separated from sacrificial love, and submission cannot be demanded as permission to sin against someone.

22. How will we decide when we disagree and cannot wait?

Consider a job offer, urgent medical choice, move or major purchase. What principles will guide you? Whose knowledge is most relevant? Can you seek counsel or choose a temporary option? What happens when neither person changes their mind?

Avoid a system in which the loudest person wins or one person always gives in. A decision-making method should protect both voices and encourage shared responsibility.

23. Who will do what on an ordinary Tuesday?

Discuss cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, transport, childcare, night feeds, care for relatives and the invisible work of planning and remembering. “We will share everything” sounds fair but may hide very different assumptions.

Your arrangement does not have to look like anyone else’s, and it will change over time. It does need to be understood, revisited and free from contempt.

The final two questions

24. Is there anything about me you are counting on changing after the wedding?

Answer honestly. Is it a habit, ambition, belief, friendship, family boundary, addiction, spending pattern or aspect of character? Then ask whether you can freely choose this marriage if that change never happens.

People can grow wonderfully within marriage. But promises, apologies and potential are not the same as sustained change. If the issue affects safety, faithfulness or basic trust, do not marry merely because you hope the wedding will cure it.

25. Why this person, and why now?

“Because I love you” matters, but go deeper. Why do you believe this person is someone with whom you can make and keep a covenant? What evidence of character, friendship, faithfulness and shared direction supports the decision? Why is this the right time?

If part of the honest answer is fear—of loneliness, age, disappointing people, losing money already spent or losing the relationship if you do not commit—name that fear. It does not automatically invalidate the relationship, but it should not be allowed to make the decision for you.

First John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (ESV). In context, John is speaking about God’s love and confidence on the day of judgement, not offering a test for engagements. The verse should not be used to shame someone for feeling anxious. Instead, let God’s love give you courage to face the truth rather than allowing fear to silence it.

What to do with your answers

You will probably not agree on all twenty-five questions. Complete agreement is not the goal. Ask what kind of difference you have discovered.

Some differences are workable matters of habit, preference or upbringing. They require understanding and a practical agreement. Others need attention before the wedding: debt, an untreated addiction, unresolved trauma, a family boundary, a major theological disagreement or a repeated pattern of broken trust. These may require more time and qualified help.

Some discoveries concern safety, coercion, deception, character, children or faith in ways that one or both people cannot accept. Do not minimise those differences to preserve a date, venue or public announcement. Slowing down or ending an engagement can be painful, but proceeding without freedom, truth or safety can cause deeper harm.

If you become stuck, ask for help. Choose someone both of you trust who has appropriate training for the issue: a pastor, licensed therapist, financial adviser, doctor or domestic-abuse specialist. A third person should help you see clearly—not pressure you to preserve the relationship at any cost.

These questions cannot guarantee a trouble-free marriage. Nothing can. They can help you replace assumptions with understanding, bring hidden matters into the light and decide with greater honesty whether you are ready to build a life together.

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Related: Christian Premarital Counselling: What to Expect and How to Prepare · How Long Should Christians Date Before Getting Engaged? · "God Told Me to Marry You": How to Test a Spiritual Claim in Dating