How to Talk About Children Before Marriage as a Christian Couple

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward." (Psalm 127:3, ESV)

The short answer: Talk about children before you marry, and talk about more than "how many." Discuss whether you both want children and when, what you would do if children did not come easily, how you would raise them in the faith, how you would discipline, how work and care would be shared, and what part church and extended family would play. If you can, talk about whether you both want children before you get engaged; that is the conversation a couple most needs to have early. Answer separately first, then compare. Where you disagree, decide together whether it is a preference to work out, an issue that needs help before the wedding, or a difference neither of you can accept.

Many engaged couples I meet have talked about children only in passing. "We both want kids." "Two, maybe three." "We'll see." It feels like enough, because they love each other and assume the details will work themselves out.

Sometimes they do. But in my years of premarital counselling, I have seen more tension over children than couples expected: about timing, about what to do when pregnancy did not happen, about discipline, about grandparents' expectations, and about how much faith would shape family life. These conversations are much easier before the wedding than in the middle of sleepless nights.

What the Bible Says About Children

Scripture treats children as a gift: "children are a heritage from the LORD" (Psalm 127:3, ESV). God's first blessing to humanity included the words "Be fruitful and multiply" (Genesis 1:28, ESV). Genesis 1:28 presents fruitfulness as part of God's blessing and commission to humanity. Christians differ on how that applies to a couple's decision about having children. Talk honestly about what each of you believes, and take time to seek wise counsel before you marry.

Scripture also gives parents a responsibility. Moses told Israel, "these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise" (Deuteronomy 6:6–7, ESV). Paul wrote, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4, ESV).

The Bible is also honest about longing and loss. Hannah carried her grief year after year and brought it to God in prayer (1 Samuel 1). Sarah and Elizabeth waited into old age. Children are a gift, and not every couple receives that gift in the way or at the time they hope.

How to Have the Conversation

• Answer separately first. Each of you write your answers before you compare. That way you hear each other's honest view, not a quick agreement.
• Take one area at a time. Do not try to cover everything in one evening.
• Listen for the "why." Behind many preferences are stories from your own childhood. Ask about them.
• Sort your differences. Some differences are preferences you can work out. Some are serious and need time and help before the wedding. A few may be differences neither of you can accept. It is kinder to find out now.

Conversation Prompts

1. Hopes

• Do you want children? How strongly do you feel about it?
• How many children do you imagine, and why that number?
• What excites you about being a parent? What worries you?
• What kind of parent do you hope to be?

2. Timing

• When would you like to start trying for children: soon after the wedding, or after some years?
• What would need to be in place first: finances, housing, studies, work?
• How would we decide together if one of us feels ready and the other does not?
• What do we believe about family planning, and how will we decide what is right for us? (Christian traditions differ here, so talk it through with your pastor.)

3. If children do not come easily

Supporting each other

• How would we support each other through infertility or pregnancy loss?
• How do you usually grieve, and what helps you when you are hurting?
• How would we support each other if one of us longed for children more than the other?
• Could our marriage be full and meaningful if we never had children?

Fertility care

• How do you feel about seeking medical help if we struggle to conceive?
• What questions would we want to bring to a doctor, and to our pastor?

Adoption and fostering

• Is adoption something either of us has thought about? What draws us to it, and what would a child need from us?
• How do you feel about fostering, which centres on a child's needs and may involve supporting their return to their own family?

4. Raising children in the faith

• How did faith shape the home you grew up in? What would you keep, and what would you change?
• How will we pray, read the Bible and talk about God with our children day to day (Deuteronomy 6:7)?
• How will we handle baptism or dedication? (Churches differ, so ask your pastor what yours teaches.)
• What will we do if our children question or walk away from the faith?

5. Discipline and family life

• How were you disciplined as a child? What would you repeat, and what would you never do?
• What does "the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4) look like in practice for you?
• How will we support each other when we disagree in front of the children?
• How will screens, schooling and friendships be handled?

6. Work, care and roles

• Who will care for young children day to day? Will one of us stay home, work part-time, or will we share care?
• How will we share night feeds, school runs and household tasks?
• How would a big change, such as job loss or illness, affect our plans?
• If our child needed ongoing support, how would we share care, advocate for them, and ask for help?

7. Church life

• What kind of church do we want our children to grow up in?
• Do we want our children involved in children's ministry, youth group, or serving?
• How will we keep our own spiritual life alive in the busy years of parenting?

8. Extended family and culture

• What do our parents and families expect from us about children: how many, how soon, which traditions?
• What role will grandparents play? Where will we draw lines?
• Are there cultural customs around naming, ceremonies or upbringing that matter to either of us?
• If either of us already has children, how will we build one family together?

When You Disagree

Disagreement does not mean you are wrong for each other. Many couples start with different hopes and find a shared way forward. But some differences, such as one person wanting children and the other not wanting them at all, are very hard to resolve after marriage.

Pray together, ask God for wisdom (James 1:5), and talk it through with a pastor or premarital counsellor. Take the time you need. It is far better to delay a wedding than to marry hoping the other person will change their mind.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should Christians talk about children before engagement?

Ideally, yes, at least the big questions: whether you both want children, and roughly when. If you discover a serious difference, it is easier to address before engagement. The more detailed conversations can continue during engagement and premarital preparation.

Is it wrong for a Christian couple not to want children?

Genesis 1:28 presents fruitfulness as part of God's blessing and commission to humanity, and Scripture celebrates children as a gift. Christians differ on how that applies to a couple's decision about having children. Talk honestly about what each of you believes, and take time to seek wise counsel before you marry. Do not marry assuming the other person will change.

What if one of us cannot have children?

Some couples know before marriage that pregnancy may be difficult or impossible. Give yourselves room to grieve and to talk about it openly, and bring your questions to God together. In time, some couples consider adoption or fostering, and those conversations should centre on a child's needs. A marriage without biological children can still be a full, fruitful and God-honouring life.

How many children should a Christian couple have?

The Bible does not give a number. Couples should seek God's wisdom together, consider their circumstances, and make the decision as partners. Talk honestly about your hopes and listen carefully to each other.

Going Deeper

• These prompts expand the three children questions in 25 questions to ask before marriage, which has a free printable conversation sheet.
• My premarital workbook Talk Before You Marry takes couples through these subjects in depth with guided conversations.
• To work through these questions with a pastor, read what to expect from Christian premarital counselling, or book a conversation with me through Talk to a Pastor.

A Prayer for Couples Preparing for Marriage

Father, thank You for bringing us together. As we talk about children, give us honest hearts and listening ears. Whether You give us children or not, help us to build a home where You are honoured, where love is patient and kind, and where faith is lived every day. Give us wisdom where we differ, and unity in what matters most. In Jesus' name, Amen.