How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You Deeply

Forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply can feel overwhelming, even impossible. Yet, from a Christian perspective, forgiveness isn’t just a suggestion—it’s a calling rooted in God’s grace. Jesus taught us to forgive others as God forgives us, offering freedom from anger and pain. This act of letting go isn’t about excusing the hurt but choosing to trust God with justice and healing. Though the process may be difficult, forgiveness is a transformative step toward peace and a reflection of Christ’s unconditional love.

Understanding Forgiveness: What it Truly Means

Forgiveness is often misunderstood, especially when it involves deep wounds caused by someone we trusted. Many of us struggle with the concept, fearing it might minimize our pain or erase the wrongs done to us. However, forgiveness is a profound act that brings healing, not just to the relationship, but also to our hearts. To forgive someone doesn’t equate to excusing their actions—it’s about releasing yourself from the grip of bitterness and allowing God to heal what’s been broken.

What Forgiveness is Not

Sometimes, understanding what forgiveness doesn’t mean can help us grasp its true purpose. Forgiveness isn’t:

• Condoning the wrong: Choosing to forgive someone doesn’t mean you’re saying their actions were acceptable. The hurt was real, and God acknowledges your pain.

• Forgetting the pain: The phrase "forgive and forget” is often misleading. While we may no longer dwell on the offense, we don’t erase what happened from memory. Instead, God calls us to move forward without allowing past wounds to control our future.

• Unconditional reconciliation: Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. While forgiveness is a personal decision to release resentment, reconciliation requires repentance and trust-building from both sides. As the Bible teaches in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, there is "a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing."

When we understand what forgiveness isn’t, we’re better equipped to focus on what it truly involves—a choice to let go of the need for revenge and to trust God’s ultimate justice.

Biblical Foundations for Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the Christian faith. The Bible is rich with teachings on this subject, offering guidance through God’s Word. Jesus Himself modeled the kind of forgiveness we are called to extend, even unto those who cause us great harm.

In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him. Jesus’ reply was astonishing: "Up to seventy-seven times." This wasn’t a literal number but a powerful message—there is no limit to forgiveness. It is an ongoing commitment, modeled after God’s own forgiveness toward us.

Consider also the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:12, where we are taught to ask, "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." This verse emphasizes the reciprocal nature of forgiveness in our relationship with God and with others. If we hope to embrace God’s grace for our own shortcomings, we are called to extend that grace to others.

If you’re interested in learning more about the importance of Biblical forgiveness, this article offers additional perspectives on how Scripture frames forgiveness as a powerful act of healing and obedience.

Finally, look to Colossians 3:13, where Paul writes, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." This verse reminds us that forgiveness begins with an acknowledgment of God’s mercy in our lives. Despite our own failings, He forgives us completely—shouldn’t we strive to do the same for others?

To forgive someone who has deeply wounded you is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s also an act of faith. It’s trusting God to work in your heart as you release the pain. For more insights into forgiveness as an act of letting go, this resource sheds light on practical steps grounded in Scripture.

This understanding allows us to redefine forgiveness not as a weakness, but as a bold declaration of faith, aligning our hearts with God’s love and purpose.

The Emotional and Spiritual Impact of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is often compared to drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. It weighs us down emotionally, clouds our decisions, and obstructs our spiritual growth. As Christians, we are called to walk in faith and freedom, yet holding onto grudges holds us captive in ways both seen and unseen. In this section, we’ll explore how unforgiveness impacts our emotional well-being and our relationship with God.

How Resentment Harms Us Emotionally

Resentment creates an emotional burden that seeps into every part of our lives. When we clutch onto anger or bitterness, we tell ourselves we’re protecting our heart, but in reality, we’re building barriers that keep joy and peace at bay. It’s like walking through life carrying a heavy backpack filled with rocks—unnecessary weight that diminishes our strength.

Unforgiveness has been closely linked to increased anxiety and depression, as studies have found that unresolved anger can spiral into chronic stress. This psychological weight not only affects our mood but also our physical health, increasing our risk for conditions like high blood pressure or weakened immunity. Holding grudges fosters a cycle of negative thinking, compounding feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness.

It’s worth reflecting on how this affects your relationships. Harboring bitterness can strain your interactions with others, as unresolved tension often spills over into unrelated areas of life. This, in turn, isolates you further and keeps you from fully embracing God’s love.

For more insight on how our emotions are impacted by holding onto bitterness, this article from Spokane Christian Counseling highlights the emotional toll unforgiveness can take and provides steps to move forward.

Spiritual Consequences of Unforgiveness

From a spiritual perspective, unforgiveness creates a rift between us and God. Jesus emphasized the importance of forgiveness in His teachings, reminding us in Matthew 6:15, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” These words underline how holding onto resentment can keep us from fully experiencing God’s grace.

Unforgiveness becomes a stumbling block in our Christian walk. It distorts our ability to pray effectively and dims our spiritual light. Imagine trying to listen to a friend who speaks to you lovingly while you’re wearing noise-canceling headphones—unforgiveness acts in much the same way, blocking the connection and clouding your understanding of God’s purpose for your life.

In addition, harboring grudges can foster spiritual barrenness. When our hearts are crowded with anger and bitterness, it’s challenging to nurture the fruits of the Spirit like love, joy, and peace. Being stuck in unforgiveness means we aren’t fully surrendering to God’s transformative power.

For a deeper dive into the spiritual dangers of harboring unforgiveness, Joyce Meyer’s article sheds light on why forgiveness is essential for our faith journey and well-being.

By holding on to unforgiveness, we block God’s ability to restore us completely. Isn't it time to put down that weight and open your heart to the healing and grace He offers?

Steps to Begin Forgiving Someone Who Deeply Hurt You

Forgiving someone who has deeply wounded you is undoubtedly challenging—it demands strength, patience, and faith. Yet, forgiveness is essential in releasing the burden of pain that weighs down your heart and mind. While the path may not be easy, the steps below provide a framework through which you can begin the process of healing, underpinned by spiritual wisdom and God’s guidance.

Acknowledge the Pain

One of the first steps toward forgiveness is to acknowledge the hurt and pain caused by the offense. Pretending the pain doesn’t exist or trying to suppress your emotions will only prolong your suffering. It’s important to face the impact of what happened. Feel the emotions you’ve been avoiding—whether it’s anger, sadness, or disappointment—and bring them into the light before God.

Name the harm that was done, and don’t rush this step. Healing begins with honesty. Your emotions may feel overwhelming at first, but trust that God can handle the depth of your hurt. Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Turn to God in Prayer

Once you’ve recognized your pain, bring it to God in prayer. Forgiveness is not something you need—or are expected—to accomplish on your own. God provides the strength and guidance needed to begin this journey. Pray for peace in your heart and ask Him to help you let go of resentment.

Start by being honest with God about your feelings. Let Him know if you feel stuck or if forgiveness seems impossible right now. Over time, prayer can soften your heart and align your will with His. Remember, forgiveness isn’t a quick fix; it’s a process, and God walks with you every step of the way. For further encouragement on addressing emotional struggles within a faith community, consider exploring this resource about mental health in church settings.

Practice Compassion and Perspective-Taking

Forgiveness often requires us to step outside our own perspective. While this doesn’t mean excusing someone’s actions, it does involve recognizing that people are often shaped by their circumstances, fears, or personal pain. Try to see the situation from their point of view, even if only briefly.

Ask yourself questions like, “What might have motivated their actions?” or “What brokenness in their life may have led to this behavior?” This doesn’t justify the wrongdoing. Instead, it fosters compassion and softens judgments, allowing you to see them as human—flawed, just like you.

Practicing this kind of empathy reflects Jesus' teachings about loving your enemies, as seen in Luke 6:27-28, where He tells us to, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Compassion doesn’t erase the pain, but it can help your heart begin to release the bitterness.

If you're interested in specific steps for forgiving difficult offenses, this article on how to forgive deeply rooted hurts expands upon practical approaches Christians can take.

Release the Hurt

Releasing the hurt is possibly the most difficult step in forgiveness but is also the most liberating. This is where you consciously decide to let go of the need for revenge or the hope that they will feel the same pain they caused you. Choose to relinquish control over the person or the situation and place it into God’s hands.

Picture the resentment as something tangible—a heavy weight you’re carrying—and imagine yourself laying it down at the foot of the cross. Trust in God’s justice and His ability to handle things according to His perfect plan. Your act of releasing the hurt doesn’t mean forgetting what happened; rather, it signifies placing your trust in God’s ability to bring real healing.

As Christians, we can draw inspiration from Romans 12:19, which reminds us: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” It may take multiple attempts to fully let go, but each step is forward progress.

Forgiveness is a process and will likely require revisiting these steps multiple times. However, with God’s guidance, patience, and a commitment to healing, you’ll find yourself walking toward freedom and peace once more. Small, prayerful steps each day make the impossible possible. By choosing to release the chains of bitterness, you free not just the other person but also yourself.

Sustaining a Forgiving Heart Over Time

Maintaining a forgiving heart is not a one-time decision but an ongoing journey, particularly when faced with new challenges or reminders of past hurt. As Christians, we are called to continue cultivating forgiveness as an active practice in our daily lives. This means consistently aligning ourselves with God’s truth, nurturing emotional and spiritual health, and relying on tools and principles that sustain this virtue.

Leaning on Scripture and Community

One of the most effective ways to sustain forgiveness over time is through constant prayer, reflecting on God’s Word, and building support within your church community. It’s no secret that forgiveness can be tested when unresolved issues surface or when hurtful memories creep back in. But Scripture provides a steady reminder of God’s grace and call for us to forgive.

Consider spending time with passages that speak directly to forgiveness, such as Matthew 6:14, which reminds us, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Immersing yourself in these verses can shift your focus from the offense to God’s eternal mercy.

Additionally, establish relationships with individuals in your church who can support your journey. Whether through small-group Bible studies or one-on-one spiritual mentorship, sharing your struggles and victories in forgiveness provides encouragement and accountability. By seeking community, you’re reminded that forgiveness is a shared calling—and you don’t have to face it alone. If you're looking for ways to encourage faith-based discussions around healing and mental health, this article explores creating supportive environments within your church.

Lastly, lean on prayer to refresh your heart when bitterness starts to reappear. Ask the Holy Spirit to soften any hardness and keep you anchored in truth—it’s God who ultimately empowers us to forgive well and consistently.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Forgiveness does not mean you allow someone to continually hurt you. Once trust is broken, implementing healthy boundaries protects both your emotional and spiritual well-being. While boundaries often involve physical or emotional distance, they are not walls to shut others out but lines that preserve your peace and help you move forward without resentment.

For example, consider what level of interaction feels appropriate with someone who deeply hurt you. Maybe it’s limiting conversations to neutral topics, avoiding triggers, or taking a break from direct interaction entirely. Healthy boundaries create space for you to forgive, while minimizing opportunities for further harm.

Boundaries are especially critical in relationships that may not involve reconciliation. Biblically, “guarding your heart” (Proverbs 4:23) is an act of stewardship, helping you stand firm in grace without becoming vulnerable to repeated distress. Forgiveness requires a balance—releasing the emotional chains of resentment while allowing enough distance to protect your peace.

For additional perspectives, this article by Mayo Clinic delves into the importance of setting boundaries to maintain a forgiving spirit. Boundaries are a tool, not a barrier, to healing and help you create space for God to continue His restorative work in your heart.

By relying on Scripture and implementing healthy boundaries, a forgiving heart becomes a way of life rather than a fleeting moment. Anchored in faith, you can navigate the complexities of forgiveness while protecting the peace God calls you to.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is a profound process that requires patience, grace, and reliance on God. When someone has wounded you deeply, the journey toward healing may feel daunting. Yet, each step taken toward forgiveness—acknowledging the pain, seeking God’s strength, and releasing resentment—paves the way for true peace.

Letting go isn’t about excusing wrongdoing but about freeing yourself from the emotional chains that weigh your spirit down. With God’s help, self-compassion, and perseverance, you can embrace a heart of forgiveness and experience the profound peace that follows.